Trapped Inside Myself
I'm terrified of my own ambitions...it takes me forever to actually DO something that I want to do, that I know I can do, somewhere in my heart I can feel greatness. But I have so much self doubt, so much fear of failure that I stop myself. I know I can do things, do things well, and it's from those few moments of courage and bravery that I know I can be more than I am, so simple...I'm waiting to burst, to become a whole person, I just don't know how to let myself go. I love so many things, so many people, I have so much to give, but I'm too afraid to give it, to disappoint people, most of all myself...There's this person inside of me, a great person, I just don't know her...
posted by Amanda at 8/14/2004 10:43:00 AM
4 Comments:
How should I start this off. Should I ask you how you have been, should I ask what have you done, should I ask who you are? Should I say all the sordid details of my life as thus far, should I say sorry for all the things I've done, should I say why?
I will start like this. I have been having dreams since a year ago that I hung out with you once more, that we were back in the "good ol' days" having fun. Although, we were older in my dreams, and I asked you what you were doing and what you planned on doing. I appolgized for the wrongs and for the rights, and there was a feeling of peace and you were almost the same as I remembered you, only older, wiser, and carefree.
I was surprised on how easy it would be to find you, I thought I would just have to let go of this feeling and chalk it up to another lost childhood memory, but now that I did, I want to do something about this. I don't know how you feel about me or if you had the same feelings as me, perhaps I am just a little crazy in the way that I must look to the past and see what is going on before I can really move forward, but no matter, here I am.
My hands are somewhat shaking as I write this, because I'm so nervous of what the repsonse, if you want to respond, will be.
So I will ask this. What's up? What's been going on? How are things on your end?
-Maureen.
We both know what happened here, it came to a point where you and I were only talking about the past, it's all we had in common anymore. But after reading that, I've realized that after all that time, we are new and different people now, worth getting to know again. Perhaps all we needed was some time apart, for self growth and self discovery. I think everyone is having this feeling...Now that we're out of highschool, we have to start all over, and we're ending up going back to the places that we are most comfortable, but those places present new and exciting things that eventually pave the path for a new beginning...In a way, at this transition in all of our lives, we're going backward to move forward and that's ok, why not start at the roots, at the beginning.
So, here it goes...I am great, I'm in a serious relationship with someone I love very much, we've decided to stay together and really try and make things work. I still work for Xact, that's all it seems I've been doing this summer, working...I'm taking a semester off from college to get some things done that I didn't have time to do in highschool because I was always involved in so many things, like getting my drivers license for one, that's at the top of my list. Everyone around my home is cool, Leah is all grown up looking, starting highschool this year, Nicole...I'll leave it at that, and my house is still full of animals, two new additions that you don't know about. OH, and I hated the third Harry Potter movie, DIE Alfonso Cuaron, he butchered that book, I'd be surprised if he read it at all. So, that's pretty much it, for the most part I'm happy, just a little confused about who I am and the next big part of my life, and I think, or at least I hope, everyone else is freaking out for the same reasons. This is a big step for all of us, all you can do is have faith, and hold onto the things that keep you sane and help you stand, like your friends.
Yea ... Right ...
Yeah, I think you're right about that, looking to the past to move forward, even though what was defintley isn't what it used to be. I am also morbidly curious, so it's easy for me to go back to things and want to know what's going on, although sometimes this can be bad depending on what that certain past was. But of course, this was a good thing, because you were and it seems still are, a great person.
I'm glad to hear you are doing well, I imagined you would be. That's great that you're in a relationship with someone, but I must ask, is that someone still Brian, or did things not turn out in that department? Regardless of who, I'm glad you're happy and you are working things out to be with that person. And yes, college. What college are you going to, and do you know what you want to major in? From reading some of your past entries, it seems like you have a similar problem like I do and can't decide what you want to do in this world. I was wondering if Leah was old enough to be in high school yet, I forgot how younger she was. Is she going to Poly? And heh, still a house full of animals, which isn't a bad thing, because who could resist having a bunch of them anyway? As for Harry Potter, well, I eventually read all the books, and liked most of them. The only thing I didn't like was how in most of the books, they seemed to follow the same format in certain areas in terms of plot. However, I LOVED the Prisoner of Azkaban, and still do. The movie, well, I thought it was okay, but I wish they didn't change directors because that's stupid. It's almost like changing actors because there's something wrong with the movie in terms of style. And the ending made me crack up, I think you know what I mean, when Harry is on his broom and he smiles at the camera, and the camera FREEZES there! I thought that was hilarious.
Okay, now, what am I doing? My Senior year of high school was pretty easy (nothing new in that school), and I just drudged through it. I was beginning to hate that school more and more though, so I often took off when I could. I stayed home a lot and STILL managed A's and B's, psh. I had some cool classes that were actually worth it, like Philosophy, Photography, and Paramedic Biology. In the latter class, it made me consider being a Paramedic. I also got CPR and First Aid certification, so if you need me to stop someone's bleeding or stop a baby from choking, I can do it! Haha. School went by fast, though, and that was good to me. I went to my prom, and it sucked, because someone who was supposed to be my friend basically ditched me. However, I ended up going to another prom, because Shawn (you remember him, I'm sure, heh) asked me to go to his. I thought it was kind of odd, but I said okay, and that was a better time. Then soon after, school was over. I didn't go to my graduation (haha, I'm so anti-school, aren't I?), mostly because I didn't feel like waiting for the 500 other people's names to be called. Yeah, that many people. Also, I never thought it was that big of a deal anyway, just give me my diploma and let me get out of here. As for my plans after high school, which would be the now, they are somewhat put on hold so that I may live my life a little, and they also have to do with some other circumstances in which I will explain. However, some future plans I have been thinking of were going to school to train to be an EMT, or be a Nurse, or do something in law, or I don't know. Yeah, my mind changes all the time, I don't know. But I have time to think about it.
Which brings me to the next point in my life. I, too, am in a serious relationship, and have been for a little over a year. I met the love of my life through circumstances that might be a bit controversial, but when have I ever stuck to the right path, eh? He was a friend of a close friend I knew on the internet (haha, yeah, here we go again with the internet) who I talked to before and had contact with through a message forum we all used. My close friend was friends with some other friends of mine, and he came to visit us before. He lives in Seattle, WA. Anyway, his friend, who he had known all his life, was this guy named Rob that I knew from his message board. I talked to him a few times on there and in private, and I always thought he was cool. Although, I was not really thinkg about it in a romantic way, because I was like, oh yeah, get to know someone on the internet, that would be great, not to mention, he was older than I was. But, we talked anyway about random things, and soon, it developed into something more. He was almost like the same print of myself, with only a few differences here and there. It was so great to find someone just like me, because I thought I was kind of out there in the first place, haha. Anyway, I make stories way too long, so I'll get to the jist. We both had mutual feelings for eachother, we grew to like eachother over time even though we lived somewhat far away from eachother. He is in the Coast Guard and while he is from Seattle, he was currently stationed in Louisiana, an hour away from New Orleans. But we talked every day on the phone for hours on end, and it was great. I finally got to meet him in person, and he was everything I knew and more. I took him to meet my Dad (my Dad knew about this, he didn't have a problem, and was even happier for me when he met Rob and found out he was a good guy), and I was so happy. Then I made plans to visit him over the summer, and I did this past June. I took a Greyhound bus all the way to New Orleans (ugh, long ride) and stayed about a month down there with him. New Orleans was awesome and now I saw everything I read about it books about the place. I took a plane back home and was of course sad about that. When I came back here, it felt like this was my vacation, and I was leaving home. I realized that I wanted to go somewhere different, and I was tired of Baltimore and most of the things revolving around it. Awhile after, Rob asked me if I wanted to live with him, and I said yes. In the middle of this coming October, I am moving down there with him. This is my big transition for this time being by taking a big step in a relationship and also by moving away from home and being out on my own for awhile. Would you have guessed this was going on with me? Heh.
As with other business, I am still friends with Greg, but he still is the same asshole he ever was. Although at the moment, I am in somewhat shaky terms with him, as I am tired of playing games and wanting to just let go of our friendship, but he always begs me to stay. This happened again recently, and I finally had it and said to him that I would decide in the time I had left here in Baltimore if I wanted to still be friends with him. If I did, I would still talk to him when I moved, and if I didn't, then it wouldn't be hard to not be, because I wouldn't be here. He has been acting "better" because of this, which just makes me roll my eyes because this is what he always does when I threaten our friendship. It's stupid bullshit on both ends, as you can see. If you were curious about him, he is going to college at the end of this month, to Towson.
Well, that's everything that has been going on with me pretty much. And here I currently am. If you want to keep writing back and forth, we should probably do it through email or something, heh. My email address is: GreteSamsa@hotmail.com I'm glad that you wanted to talk to me again, and hope we can keep talking.
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