Just be

I want to feel dark and depressed, the way watching movies about death make you feel introspective. I like feeling that way. I'm so crossed, everything is so contradicting when it comes to me, nothing is ever simple, and mainly because I don't let it. I wish I could just not care, stop worrying, stop thinking, and just be. The day that I am at peace with myself...I don't think it will ever come, I'm never going to accept me. Tearing myself to pieces, being over critical, being too self conscious is much easier than just accepting the way it is, the way I am. I try to trace back, try and figure out how I made myself this way, but it is impossible not to get lost in bad memories and then use them as an excuse. I need to figure out who I am now. I am an artist I think, in a lot of ways, but taking that leap, and actually becoming the artist, is hard for me. It's hard for me because it's a scary dream. To write a book, to see the world, to sing a song, to write a poem, to help people...What if it means nothing, what if it's all for nothing, if not for me, and then I'd feel nothing but selfish. I think I'm more confused about what I am than who I am, if that makes any sense. You are born the "what" and you become the "who" ? Most of the time I think I'm doomed to a life of nothingness, no substance, no art, no emotion. Sometimes I think I need to feel depressed, it's my artistic fuel, it drives me and stops me at the same time. I write something, it ends, I stop; I sing a song, it ends, I stop; I read a book, it ends, I stop; I write a poem, it ends, I stop. I think I'm just stuck in this cycle, what is it, how did I find it, I don't know...I just need to escape before it makes me invisible or turns me into a mirror image of something I can only recognize through other peoples reflections. My biggest dream is to just be happy. To just be...