The other half

I'm ready, ready to be alone. I've been preparing myself as much as I can, but it will never be enough. You can't prepare yourself for when someone dies, when someone isn't a part of your life anymore after they've snuck in the back door of your heart and placed themselves there like a parasite, encompassing more and more of what's yours and making it their own, without you ever realizing. Half of me isn't mine anymore, and it's leaving me, detaching itself, and I'm left alone, without the rest. I'll be half empty, and I'LL be left with the burden of filling it back up again after it has gone. I became addicted, dependent, and I've almost run out. I'm almost tired of waiting, tired of contemplating the moment, I want to be free of this hurt. I feel like I can't breathe, I can't breathe without it. Still, I try not to think about it, I try to indulge while I can, but sometimes when I look at it, I hate it, I can't stand it, and it can feel it too, it sees the loss in my eyes like a mirror that tells the truth. I hate it because it can do this to me and knows I'll suffer for it because I can't rip it out myself. But soon half of me will be dead, never to be a part of my life ever again.

Just be

I want to feel dark and depressed, the way watching movies about death make you feel introspective. I like feeling that way. I'm so crossed, everything is so contradicting when it comes to me, nothing is ever simple, and mainly because I don't let it. I wish I could just not care, stop worrying, stop thinking, and just be. The day that I am at peace with myself...I don't think it will ever come, I'm never going to accept me. Tearing myself to pieces, being over critical, being too self conscious is much easier than just accepting the way it is, the way I am. I try to trace back, try and figure out how I made myself this way, but it is impossible not to get lost in bad memories and then use them as an excuse. I need to figure out who I am now. I am an artist I think, in a lot of ways, but taking that leap, and actually becoming the artist, is hard for me. It's hard for me because it's a scary dream. To write a book, to see the world, to sing a song, to write a poem, to help people...What if it means nothing, what if it's all for nothing, if not for me, and then I'd feel nothing but selfish. I think I'm more confused about what I am than who I am, if that makes any sense. You are born the "what" and you become the "who" ? Most of the time I think I'm doomed to a life of nothingness, no substance, no art, no emotion. Sometimes I think I need to feel depressed, it's my artistic fuel, it drives me and stops me at the same time. I write something, it ends, I stop; I sing a song, it ends, I stop; I read a book, it ends, I stop; I write a poem, it ends, I stop. I think I'm just stuck in this cycle, what is it, how did I find it, I don't know...I just need to escape before it makes me invisible or turns me into a mirror image of something I can only recognize through other peoples reflections. My biggest dream is to just be happy. To just be...

Edwin Mccain - Grind Me in The Gears

I’m holding my last breath
It’s burning in my lungs
Clenching up my eyes
Bloody up my tongue

For the words that might escape
Are ringing in my ears
Grinds me to a pulp
Grind me in the gears

My frozen spirit aches
I slip another day
Start to lose my grip
Find another way

For the life that might escape
Has been echoing for years
Grinds me to a pulp
Grind me in the gears

I’ve seen all the faces
They mirror me
And I’ve felt the tearing ¡º tearing of the teeth

I’ve given up my ghosts
Barely breathe your name
Offer up myself
Pray you’ll do the same

For the love that might escape
Well that’s the biggest fear
Grinds me to a pulp
Grinds me in the gears

Who What Where When Why

Today doesn't feel like today, it feels like yesterday... I'm always one step behind, one point below...I feel like I need to break through something. I've created this shell, this barrier...such a strong barrier that I, the creator, can't even manipulate it. This protective surface that I built to protect me from others became a suffocating shell for me... How am I supposed to accomplish anything without being able to let go of everything that I was afraid of? How am I supposed to become a different person...the choices I made before about what kind of person I wanted to be are destroying me now. I put up these walls, how do I bring them crashing down? How do I change when I hate change? How do I become stronger by becoming, in what use to be in my opinion, weaker? I'd be going up against my very being to save my being? I've lost sight of who I am in the present, I only know the person I was in the past, so who the fuck am I now? A daughter, a girlfriend, a best friend, a sister, have these exterior labels blinded me from who I am right now? Now...what is now? I don't know what I am going to do now. I don't know how I feel now. I don't know who I am now. I think it's impossible to live in the present, everything just happened a second ago, and a second from now, I'll be dead.

Starting Anew

I'm getting a new computer, it's interesting how I feel inspired to do more and work harder, like the beginning of a new school year. It's like starting over, getting a second chance. I feel refreshed and brand new, just like my laptop, I am parallel to it. I'm not sure if this is just one of those child-like feelings that we can't avoid revisiting from time to time, but I feel great. Though, my feelings of inspiration and excitement will fade as my laptop fades, as it becomes familiar to me, as it loses that new smell and that new feeling, just like anything else. What is it about "new" things, unfamiliar things, that is so appealing to us? It makes me feel like an American, materialistic and shallow...But I love it, I love this feeling. It makes me wonder whether this feeling has been established because of where and how I grew up or if it's a natural feeling. I guess it's a nature vs. nurture argument. But I don't know, if I was a squirrel and I found a huge peanut I think the feeling would be the same. In the end, we are still animals, and when it comes down to it, we're all comparing our peanuts, and right now, I feel like I have the best peanut ever! :)

Beginning and Ending...Starting and Finishing...

Today is the end of something and the beginning of something, both scare me, both mean change. I don't feel like starting over. I don't feel like being responsible for every decision I make. Every decision I make from this day on affects me and only me, I'm not anyone's child anymore...I still feel like I'm 14 years old, I'm actually still stuck at the last transition of my life, the last change, leaving middle school and going to highschool. Now I'm leaving highschool and going to college, so I'm two steps behind now...I don't accept these transitions...I hate them...I can't escape the past...I don't want to for some reason...How do I move on? How do I become this label that has been placed upon my chest making it easier and harder for me to breathe...This label that says adult...This label that means freedom and imprisonment...I don't know where to go from here...I'm drowning in my own 'after-birth', nobody is there to keep my head above water and I won't scream for help.

I think...

I think I'll smile today...I think I'll laugh today...I think I'll be happy today...I think I'll be beautiful today...I think I'll love people today...I think I'll remember today...