Over and Over Again

I’ve been so stressed out lately, life is so hard and strenuous…and I don’t say that because I’ve been stressed out but because I know that I don’t even have it half as bad as a lot of people and I still feel like I can’t handle it. I don’t have faith in a lot of things, most of all myself. A lot of the time I feel like I’m going nowhere. I question what I’m doing and why I’m doing it and I feel like I’m headed down a road with no real destination.

I keep coming back to this…it depresses me and makes me want to make decisions, life changing decisions, and sometimes I do…And this is what scares me, what if I make these choices because I feel like I have to, and not because I want to. I’ll end up somewhere that I don’t want to be, doing something I don’t want to do, with people I don’t want to be with. I feel like life is forcing me to end up somewhere and then be content with that one destination. What do I do if I want more than just one life?

"In the attitude of silence the soul finds the path in a clearer light, and what is elusive and deceptive resolves itself into crystal clearness. Our life is a long and arduous quest after Truth."

-Gandhi

I can't wait and yes, I am a dork :P 

Just...Why?

If you dance until it rains...you make it a rain dance...

The more and more I grow up, the less that magic, that belief is there. When you're younger, you can believe in something, you can want something to happen so bad that it just works out for you. To have that kind of faith, without questions, is a gift and its taken for granted, by everyone. I can make this generilization because everyone gains that doubt, they gain curisoty and with that comes questioning. You start to think, that's not real or that will never happen...I would love to have that back so badly, that innocense, that happiness that just comes so easily. Back when the summers lasted forever and sadness and sorrow, just reality or the harshness of life rather, didn't exist to me. But then, one day, you wake up and you have to deal with death, you have to deal with surviving, you have to deal with disappointment, you have to deal with becoming someone and defining who you are...you have to make choices. I feel more blind now than I did when I didn't "know" anything and at least then I was truly and completely happy.

Strand me on an island any day where I don't have to worry about anything else but just truly surviving, the original definition of living.

I mean, what are we, what are we doing, where are we going and why are we doing it? I feel like we've truly obstructed something so simple and so pure just for the sake of "advancement" and we've doomed ourselves.

To Brian

The dawn is breaking
A light shining through
You're barely waking
And I'm tangled up in you
Yeah

I'm closed, you're open
Where I follow, you'll go on you're own
I worry I won't see your face
Light up again

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to rhyme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I somehow find
You and I collide

I'm quiet you know
You make a first impression
I've found I'm scared to know you're always on my mind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the stars refuse to shine
Out of the back you fall in time
I somehow find
You and I collide

Don't stop here
I lost my place
I'm close behind

Even the best fall down sometimes
Even the wrong words seem to ryhme
Out of the doubt that fills my mind
I finally find
You and I collide

You finally find
You and I collide
You finally find
You and I collide


This isn't a bad song for us just so you know, I love you so much. This is often how I feel during the bad times, but I always realize that we're perfect for eacheother, we collide.

Collide: To come together with violent, direct impact.

Collide by: Howie Day

Selfish...Selfless...Self...

Selfish: Concerned chiefly or only with oneself

Selfless: Having, exhibiting, or motivated by no concern for oneself; unselfish

Self: The total, essential, or particular being of a person; the individual

I started my entry off with these definitions because I feel that it is very ironic to have them sitting right before my eyes and still not understand them because I don't know who I am...In more simple terms, I believe an individual makes a choice, to either be selfish or selfless in order to obtain "self" A crucial decision in fact. I am torn by this. In my dreams I have this heroic view of myself, a selfless person that helps others. When in all reality I'm this selfish teenager that can't help to think about herself first in order to become that person. The irony in this is the fact that I have to put myself first, in order to become this selfless person, in order to become a whole spirit. How does a person obtain "wholeness" without being selfish first? Or how is a person a good person if they are a selfish person? Or must you first be selfish in order to be selfless?

I'm asking these questions more and more as my birthday edges nearer and nearer and I think its because I expect myself to have some sort of revelation, understanding. It'd be nice if the turning of age set an exact date for this revelation and understanding and so I constantly try to force it upon myself. Perhaps that's what makes me naive. Can you attach a clock to wisdom and knowledge? Sure, you gain experience with age, but does everyone necessarily gain wisdom and knowledge? Only some people choose to turn that experience into something that you've actually learned too, not just experienced. I don't know, I'm not making any sense these days.