Wednesday, January 19, 2005

Just Breathe by: Anna Nalick

2 Am and she calls me cause I'm still awake
Can you help me unravel my latest mistake
I don't love him. winter just wasn't my season.
Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize
Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason.

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
And no one can find the rewind button
So just cradle your head in your hands.
And breathe, just breathe, breathe, just breathe

May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss
Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist
Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year
Here in town you can tell he's been down for while
But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles
Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it

Cause you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button so cradle your head in your hands
And breathe, just breathe, breath, just breathe

There's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out
And these mistakes you've made
You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around

2Am and I'm still awake writing this song
If i get it all down on paper it's no longer inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to.
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud
And I know that you'll use them however you want to.

But you can't jump the track
We're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand...and breath
Just breathe, breathe

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Going back to hell...I mean School

Well, I go to take my placement exams this week and I'll be starting school most likely by the end of this month. It's strange, I'm already feeling suffocated and I haven't even started yet. I'm already starting to fight the fight, which is my time vs. responsibility. Will I go to that movie I really want to see, or will I go and write that paper like I'm supposed to. And to tell you the truth, my time is already winning the first of my mental battles and perhaps the war, we'll see.

On the other hand, I'm excited about school. Or, more honestly, I'm excited about receiving my degree along with the certification that allows me to help animals. However, it's getting to that point that I'm having the problem with, but, why not be excited about the victory for now.

I have days where I'm excited about school and the general idea of succeeding and starting a career that I know I'll love. And then there's those other days I realize that, well, I'm me, and I haven't liked school in the past two years. But, perhaps things will be different this time around, perhaps college will be different, and perhaps I'll feel differently about myself and school once I start. And if not, well, I'll drudge through it but at the same time I will rebel, I will make excuses...

In the mean time, I can only contemplate and be afraid/excited. But either way, I'm not taking any regrets with this one, I either like it or I don't, no big deal, right?

Friday, January 07, 2005

Hero

Fighting, isn't just fighting anymore, it's this gladiator, gauntlet, battle, where every word is the tip of a sword stabbing me. Every stab, a new wound, every wound, a new hole...At this rate, I'll never be a whole person...

Monday, January 03, 2005

Starting at the Finish Line

As I start a new year I can imagine myself getting older and this is a great perspective for me, gives me time to re-evaluate things about myself and my life. I'm only getting older and I've decided that I'm not just going to put up with things for the sake of puting up with them. If it makes me unhappy I'm going to do what I need to do to change it, I'm not just going to put it on the back burner and try and not think about it. Things need to be changed now because they do bother me, I never dealt with it, I never just got over it and if I don't solve this problem for myself now, things won't last, I will back out. I'm tired of holding everything in, bottling it all up until I have these moments where I break down, it's not healthy. I'm not strong, I'm weak, and I'm accepting that. I'm not pretending to be this pilar of strength anymore, if I don't like it, you're gonna know...If I'm unhappy, I'm gonna fix it and be happy...

This wall is gone and I was the one that destroyed it, I just need to hide the blocks that rebuild themselves...