The Decisions We Make

It's strange, the decisions we make and the different consequences we face because of those decisions...I could have worked yesterday, I chose not too... I could have stayed in the house yesterday, but I took my mom's car out for a drive...I saw the huge truck blocking the view of the street, looked at the alley, "I could turn down the alley she thought" , "Nah, Harford road is dead right now, hardly any cars" So I approach the road, look left, look right, let the car that I saw pass. So I start the creap out, still can't see, still creaping, creaping, "It's been long enough she says, no cars are coming" I start to make the turn...PLOW

And I'm spinning, up on two wheels, the drivers side door is smashed in, the drivers side window is shattered, I'm heading for the office building to my right, but I hit a tree and that stops me and brings me back down on all four wheels...

The insurance comanys (mine and the girl I hit) haven't placed blame yet, however, the huge truck that was parked on a bus stop, in a no parking zone, got the ticket. I nor the girl got a ticket. This is gonna get ugly, that trucking company is in trouble and those drivers will hopefully be fired, the word sue comes to mind.

Oh, I am fine, exept I'm paralized from the hip down (j/k, my neck is sore and that's it, ha ha, sorry if you didn't think that was funny) I honestly don't know how I got out of that car in the condition that I did, the people that saw the accident were shocked I could even move.

The other horrible thing is that my mom's car, totalled. And the insurance company will only pay her what the car is worth, and that isn't much and who knows if we'll even get anything out of the trucking company or even if my parents will try to.

All I know is that that tree saved my fucking life. This was no huge tree, a little tree, probably like 2 or 3 years old. I knocked it completely out of the ground, it was under my car. If that tree wasn't there, I would have rolled, as in my car completely tumbling, right into that building, literally. I'm seriously thinking about going up there and planting another one...A life for a life

Crushed Into A Thousand Pieces

I'v never felt so hurt, so betrayed...I need to get this out of my mind, I'm already starting to dwell on it and that hardened feeling in my heart, the one that makes you feel like you can't breathe, won't go away. I'm trying to forget about it, trying to forgive...However, now that I am separated from that person, on my own, I'm starting to feel angry again, starting to feel that hate...I don't know how long I'm going to have this on my mind, I hope not for long, because I can already feel it eating away at the deepest part of my heart. I need to get over it, I need to move on, and I truly,truly want to. But I've never been the forgive and forget type of person, sure forgive, but forget? I wish I could forget it, I wish it never happened...I didn't do anything and I still feel like it's on me to move on, deal with it Amanda...I've cried, but I can't cry anymore, the sadness is gone and sadly enough only anger is left in me, only hurt... I feel crippled but I'll hide it, I'll be sad but I'll act happy, I'll be thinking about it all the time, but not... It's already in my dreams, haunting me, if I make myself not think about it that day, it comes to me at night to torture me. I'm left with the pieces, the pieces of my heart completely shattered and separated. I need to put them back together and I will. But will I find all of them? Will they fit back together the same way? I'm scared. My new heart will be solid, will be stronger, I will feel less, more closed off from my emotions. That's the price...you deal with it.

Life or Something Like It

I'm starting to feel that feeling again, that robotic feeling...I need to change something in my life before I become depressed because of it. I get bored with my life, with myself, if it stays the same for too long...I slowly slip into a dreary nothingness. I'm sure I'd be a very fickle person if I wasn't so afraid to make those changes in the first place. I hold myself back and I don't know why. I avoid things, including feelings and people. Separate myself into my own little world, which eventually becomes too familiar to me and I become depressed because of it. I need to break free of something, perhaps myself, I don't know. I think I'm waiting for a moment that will never come, this brief moment of realization and self discovery...It's probably not that easy, nothing ever is, in real life...