I'm Not In Kansas Anymore...

My world is undergoing self destruction. That self, not being me...

As a child, I hate her, as an adult, I understand her. The child in me wants to cry, why would she want to end a good thing, a good family, she'd change everything...How could she tell the man that she's been with for 20 years, that she doesn't want to be married anymore, she wants to be free. I don't understand her and I hate her for it...The adult side of me, understands that if she isn't happy, why should she suffer for the sake of stability. The fact that I'm put in a situation where these two conflicting sides are being meshed together is driving me insane. I don't know how to feel, I don't know how to think. Everything that I knew, is gone. The one thing I thought I could always fall back on might cease to even exist.

I can't handle two separate lives right now, one reserved for my father, the other for my mother...It's hard to even feel sympathetic, as I hate both of them at this point in time, and for different reasons that happen to be related to the things that coincide that make it both of their fault.

Listen to me, the child in me is pointing fingers of blame, feelings of anguish. If you don't have something, you have nothing.

It would figure, the one time, the one opportunity I get to finally focus on myself, this happens and once again I must be the legs that carry my siblings, a substitute. While, my younger sister doesn't understand at all, and would undoubtedly be most effected by this, I am left to give an explanation. And while my twin, who only has anger in her, I am their to take the blows. I want to run away from this responsibility that has found me.

However, the most responsibility that I might have to take on hasn't even presented itself yet. And that is, if my mother left my father, it would destroy him, and I'd be there to pick up the pieces, I'd be there to take care of him, I'd be there to make sure he keeps living. And this would become my fate because my younger sister would choose to live with my mom and Nicole hates my dad, and so, I would be left to heal the wounds without ever being able to heal my own.

I don't think I can do this.

Goodbye September

It's really weird to see everyone heading off to college this weekend, I feel left behind; but at the same time I feel free, unattached, the kind of unattachment that accompanies loneliness. I find the fact that I'm not about to start yet another school year extremely comforting, I don't feel controlled, I don't feel led. The possibilities that lie ahead, the chances, the opportunities, aren't paved anymore by one of the few constants in my life, the start of another school year. I need a fucking break. I can't be a comotose for another year; waking up, getting dressed, going to school, and then sometimes doing my homework, if, might I add, I felt like it. I've realized that I was extremely unhappy during the school year, I came to hate routine, I didn't feel alive. The few times I was happy involved hopping into a car and speeding away from that fucking school to the nearest movie theatre or IHOP. I can't go back to that right now, now that I have a choice, I need something else at this point in my life, something different. The only thing I might miss is going to Office Depot, picking out my school supplies and then puting my binder together, yeah...that was always fun...

Trapped Inside Myself

I'm terrified of my own ambitions...it takes me forever to actually DO something that I want to do, that I know I can do, somewhere in my heart I can feel greatness. But I have so much self doubt, so much fear of failure that I stop myself. I know I can do things, do things well, and it's from those few moments of courage and bravery that I know I can be more than I am, so simple...I'm waiting to burst, to become a whole person, I just don't know how to let myself go. I love so many things, so many people, I have so much to give, but I'm too afraid to give it, to disappoint people, most of all myself...There's this person inside of me, a great person, I just don't know her...

Wild Horses
Rolling Stones

Childhood living is easy to do
The things you wanted I bought them for you
Graceless lady you know who I am
You know I can't let you slide through my hands
Wild horses couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I watched you suffer a dull aching pain,Now you've decided to show me the same
No sweeping exits or offstage lines
Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind
Wild horses couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, couldn't drag me away
I know I've dreamed you a sin and a lie,
I have my freedom but I don't have much time
Faith has been broken, tears must be cried,
Let's do some living after we die
Wild horses couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day
Wild horses couldn't drag me away,
Wild, wild horses, we'll ride them some day

Coincidence?

My cat got hit by a car and died tonight...I knew something bad was going to happen...

?

I've been feeling extremely emotional lately. The "cry at the drop of a hat" kind of emotional that people always talk about. I have this creaking suspiscion that the ground is about to fall out from under me. Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it... I have this empty feeling, I feel alone and disserted and I don't know why, so of course I'm suspicious of it.