The End

I don't feel that I need this blog anymore...There was a time...that I needed to put my feelings out there, to express myself with anyone and everyone...I got a certain high off of it...this need to not feel so lost and isolated...and I didn't feel so alone in my thoughts once I exposed them, a false sense of company even.

 

False, not real and true.

 

I've realized, I have people in my life, people I care about and people who care about me, real people...people right there in my face, asking me 'what's wrong' and 'are you ok' and so, I don't feel so alone and truth is I'm not and I never have been. And I'm slowly working up the courage to express myself to those people instead of an audience of blank faces. I don't need to search for understanding and compassion because I have it in my life...and I think I'm at a point where I need to accept that, maybe I had a sad story, maybe I lived a sad story, maybe I've felt depressed and helpless and lost but these feelings have become less and less frequent and I don't want to revisit them just because I've felt these things for so long that it's become somewhat normal and comforting...

 

So, until another beginning this is the end...

 

No...

 

Until another end...this is my beginning

Life's Trash Can

I felt like I had a lot on my mind yesterday, a lot to think about, a lot to be sad about...However, I wasn't thinking of one thing, but each second that passed by a different thought would enter my mind...Almost to the point that I wasn't really thinking about anything, but staring at nothing in a sort of daze...I hate it when that happens to me, I feel like I don't have a grip on things, at that moment I am just lost...Eventually I snapped out of it and the sad feeling was gone, I don't even know what I solved or delt with, it was just gone, put away...I have journal entries like that, a lot of them...that I don't post. I write them, and then I throw those feelings away, I dispose of them, I don't ever read or look at them again, and I'm sure if I did, in an instant I'd feel that entry...because I never really dealt with it, I just threw it away. I'm not sure how I learned to do this, or even when I started doing it. It makes me question whether I'm truly happy or if I just make myself that way. When I throw away that feeling, never to go back to it again, each time, am I throwing away a piece of myself? Am I growing any or am I slowly wasting away? Should I even be questioning this happiness I've been feeling lately and consistantly even, is it genuine or did  I create it...Either way, maybe I should just be happy for once and not expect the next horrible thing that happens but accept it when it comes...Do your worst you fucking circle.

Rent-Seasons of Love

525,600 minutes, 525,000 moments so dear. 525,600 minutes

How do you measure, measure a year?
In daylights, in sunsets, in midnights, in cups of coffee.

In inches, in miles, in laughter, in strife.

In 525,600 minutes
How do you measure a year in the life?
How about love? How about love? How about love?
Measure in love. Seasons of love.

525,600 minutes! 525,000 journeys to plan. 525,600 minutes
How can you measure the life of a woman or man?

In truths that she learned, or in times that he cried.

In bridges he burned, or the way that she died.

It’s time now to sing out, tho the story never ends

Let's celebrate, remember a year in the life of friends.

Rememberthe love! Remember the love!
Remember the love! Measure in love.

Seasons of love! Seasons of love.

Get Away

I want to walk but I'm forced to start running...I try to pace myself but quickly become short of breath...I can't seem to catch what I'm constantly forced to chase...Everytime I achieve a steady pace I fall, but I always pick myself off the ground and try to walk, no, can't, gotta run...Sometimes I feel like I'll never catch my breath, I'll never be ahead of myself, I'll never be able to stroll through life, I'll always have to run...whether it be from something or toward something else. And if I ever reach a pace, a balance, I'm sure I'd fuck it up somehow, I'd trip over the next problem and I'd surely fall. Perhaps its just the path I'm running, if I could only just stray off into the bushes and hide there forever, then I'd be ok...

Weekend

I've decided I'll have one of those entries where I just tell you what happened this past weekend...A weekend of celebration and events none the less. Thursday, which was the actual day of my 3 yr anniversary, we went to Towson and ate sushi at my favorite sushi restaraunt, Sushi Hana and saw Star Wars. Then Friday...well, I had a minor medical lapse, but I didn't let that stop me, five hours in the hospital drugged into la la land and I was back to normal, got home, took a shower, got dressed and tried to coffee myself out of the drugs they had so harshly put into my veins while I was there (took four nurses, I have tiny veins, you should see my arms, I look like a heroin addict they bruised me so badly) By the way, my medical lapse was actually a migrain, or a migrain attack more like it, the left side of my body, including the left side of my face, actually went numb and I was blind, pretty scary...They gave me fennerdin and codeine, I couldn't think, I could look around and everything, but I really wasn't there...Anyway, so, after some coffee and a lecture from my parents about being careful driving etc I was on my way to Brian's house, looking fabulous I might add considering I was just released from the hospital not an hour before then. After Brian was finished getting ready we went to a restaraunt called Copelands, which is very good, it's become sort of a tradition for our anniversary dinner. After dinner, I was pretty tired, had a pretty rough day and the drowsiness from that stuff they gave me still hadn't worn off yet, so we went home and brian watched the movie I rented while I fell asleep. Saturday we actually woke up really late, we just stayed in bed til like 2. Around 5 we decided to go and look at various sporting good stores to do some research for the new bike and blades that I am getting and I actually ended up getting my blades that day too, love them. After some shopping we finally got home around 930 and we ate dinner and then I fell asleep to the clicking of Brian's keyboard until he woke me up and we went upstairs to bed. He was actually doing some research on the trails we were gonna blade the next day, we've made kind of a point to doing some kind of athletic work every weekend, feels good. After we bladed for a couple of hours we went shopping for a bit and then headed over to his friends cookout, we ate and drank and then we somehow recruited like 5 or 6 people to go blading, its amazing how many people still have rollerblades, they're making a come back, ha ha! After the blading we got everyone to go play basketball, I played a game and a half until I noticed my right toe was bleeding profusely and my left toe was actually bruised really bad, somehow I bruised both of my nail beds and woke up today in extreme pain. If this has ever happened to anyone from playing basketball could you let me know why it happens and what I can do to prevent it? So, I suppose that concludes a weekend of celebration, exercise and injury. Cheers!

I'll Be...

Today is our 3 year anniversary...It seems like such a long time...such a long and arduous journey...Although I hope that this is only the beginning for us...It's when I think about the future and see myself and my life and I just can't imagine it without you that I have hope...It's about the times when I'm watching a movie and two people are getting married or starting their life together and I automatically think about us...These are the times that I truly know that we were meant to be together. I look back and see how much we've grown and see how far we've come. And I think that when you find someone that you can grow and change with you should hold on to them for as long as you possibly can. I know that you bring out the best in me, I know that you make me a better person and I know that if we weren't together that it would be like starting over because you fill this part of me that just wasn't alive before I met you and I don't know if I could ever fill that space completely with anyone else. You make me a whole person...

 

I love you more than anyone will ever love you

You and Me by: Lifehouse

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive
I can't keep up
and I can't back down
I've been losing so much time

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

all of the things that I want to say
just aren't coming out right
I'm tripping on words

you got my head spinning
I don't know where to go from here

cause it's you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to prove
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

there's something about you now
I can't quite figure out
everything he does is beautiful
everything he does is right

cause its you and me and all of the people
with nothing to do
nothing to lose
and it's you and me and all of the people
and I don't know why
I can't keep my eyes off of you

what day is it
and in what month
this clock never seemed so alive